I love you, mom...

I want to dedicate this entry to my mom. Although we've always had a good relationship, the fact that I'm away in college has really strengthened our bond. Every time I go home to visit, I am always met with a cup of hot tea and the type of advice only mothers can give.

We've never said "I love you" to each other. At least, I've never said it. She told me at the end of a phone conversation once, and it embarrassed the hell out of me. My ears were blood red. Almost everyone I know can say those three words easily and carelessly--everyone but me. Even though my family is very loving, we are not very affectionate. Hugs, kisses, and words laden with emotion are rarely doled out. It's not bad... our family dynamic is just different. I do love my mom, but it's hard to tell her to her face. 

I've only realized how cool my mom was a year ago. Before, I never really appreciated her insight. She is understanding about a lot of things, though there are some things (academic mediocrity) that she just doesn't tolerate. I can appreciate that. There are also the times when my mom breaks out the box of chocolate and chat about girly things. I'm lucky to find a friend in her. 

Of course, we have our disagreements. Because I'm a girl, my mom feels like I should act a certain way. I'm not neat or helpful enough to make a good wife by her standards... I don't know how many times she's told me that she pities my future husband. (Privately, I do too. I'm a pretty big slob.) She also doesn't expect me to be good at math or science because my brain just isn't geared to that stuff. To that, I take offense. While it's true that I'm no technical genius, I sometimes wish I was just so I could debunk that ridiculously outdated belief. Women are just as good as men in all fields, including math and science! I get so embarrassed when she tells other parents: "She's a girl you know--of course math and science isn't her area of focus." HEY... it's true that I'm not particularly good at either, but that's a personal ability that has nothing to do with my gender. There's also the fact that she thinks that having a degree or a license is only a backup in case the husband decides to ask for a divorce. Don't get me wrong--she's all for women standing on their own two feet and being independent. The trouble is, she thinks that we should let our husbands be the main breadwinners until something goes wrong. Only then should we pick up our careers again.

Her view of feminism is a little skewed, but she was born in the 1960's, so I don't fault her too much. She immigrated here at the age of 26 and earned her Master's in three years, so she has to know what she's doing. Plus, she's my mom. For that reason alone I'll always forgive her, even if she happens to be wrong.

Twenty Five

25 Random Things About Me:

1. I can't keep eye contact for a long time with someone that has bright/light-colored eyes. Once, I got a interviewer with the most intense baby-blues I have ever seen in my life. It was like looking straight into the sun. Needless to say, my retinas were burnt out by the end of our talk. 
2. My favorite physical feature are my hands. My palm is small and my fingers are long and elegant--I'm a pianist.
3. The instant I enter my room, I shed my bra and my nice clothes for comfy PJs.
4. Whenever I see someone I recognize from middle school or high school, I bolt in the opposite direction. I don't know why (nothing particularly bad occurred during those years), but I should probably stop doing it.
5. Even though I'm not fond of my appearance, I'm afraid to take risks with it. I've always wanted to dye my hair blue, but I can never muster the courage to do so. Guess I'll have virgin hair forever...
6. My pride and independence can sometimes get in the way of me forging more personal relationships. I hate leaning on my friends or family for help because I always think I can do it on my own. Almost no one gets to see my vulnerable side. (My mom says that at this rate, I will never find a serious boyfriend. I laughed when she said it, but privately I understand her point.)
7. I also secretly want a boyfriend, but I always cover up that desire with an excuse. (e.g. "Having a boyfriend would only distract me from my current goals.") 
8. In my high school, I was the nobody in a sea of prodigies. It was surreal transitioning to a state university. After maintaining a 4.0 for two semesters, BOOM!... I felt smart again. 
9. I look like a completely different person without glasses. Seriously, everyone does a double-take once they realize it's me. 
10. I love curry, or any type of spicy food for that matter. The burn just makes me feel so alive.
11. I do not have a food I absolutely hate.
12. I am a musical person. I sing really loudly and obnoxiously to myself everywhere: on the streets, in my room, and of course, in the shower. I also have the ability to memorize a song's melody and lyrics just by listening to it once. As a bonus, I am also sensitive to pitch changes; I can detect when someone is a hair of a pitch off.
13. I adore Disney movies, especially Mulan. She is just so beautiful and kick-ass! Be a Man is one of my favorite songs ever. (I've also cried every single time for the 20 or so times I've watched it...)
14. Every year I've resolved to lose 10 pounds, but every year I end up gaining weight.
15. I am painfully shy and awkward in front of people I don't know, but I'm really blunt and aggressive in front of people I do know. If I didn't know better, I would think I have split-personality disorder.
16. People don't think I'm a particularly smart person when I talk to them, so they're always surprised when they learn that I'm a brilliant test taker. It's sad, really... I'd rather be human-smart instead of robot-smart.
17. I get mad at guys who check me out on the street, even though I was the one who chose to wear a low-cut top.
18. My dad and I have identical personalties. It goes without saying that we fight all the time. 
19. I want to go to a top law school and become a prosecutor. I'm not a nice person and I'm definitely ambitious, so I fit the job description perfectly.
20. I am secretly an intellectual snob.
21. Whenever I read a book, I tend to pair up the guy and the girl I find most compatible. I then proceed to search for evidence that might reveal the two's undying love for each other. (I hate the fact that I'm a such a closet romantic...)
22. I am also embarrassingly addicted to Japanese manga and anime. 
23. I own a lot of makeup and love watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, but I rarely ever wear any.
24. I am, as my roommate would call it, an "aquaholic." I can easily go through 10 full-sized bottles of water a day.
25. I have a love-hate relationship with writing. I hate it when I am forced to do it, but I love when I want to do it (like I am now)!

I'm a bit nervous about starting a blog again. My Xanga in high school used to be popular (among my real life friends), but died after the advent of Facebook and Myspace. Logically, I abandoned it, but with regret--in some ways, I think my life was more interesting than it is now.


Reading so much about blogging and the factors that go into making it popular has opened my eyes to the fact that I will probably never be able to attract one follower, let alone a substantial audience. I'm not an interesting or controversial person, and my writing is mediocre at best. My style is best suited to writing college papers or factual newspaper articles, not entries about my personal feelings. When I was younger (by just a few years, but it seemed so long ago), I used to write fabulously and without abandon. Where did that ability go?


It's really hard for me to open up to people, so maybe it's good for me to keep a blog. I am introverted, but it's not the healthy type of introverted. Sure, I can function in social situations without making a fool of myself, but I have difficulty making friends. The initial approach frightens me. When someone introduces him/herself to me, the only thing I can muster is a really awkward smile. The more times I see said person, the more times I freeze up... especially when I see them on my way to somewhere. Social standards dictate that we should acknowledge each other, but what type of acknowledgement is appropriate given our current relationship? Should we wave? Say hi? Nod while making eye-contact? In the end, I usually do all three... and walk off quickly in embarrassment later. Yeah, I'm that kind of person.


...


I have a feeling that these type of entries will only generate yawns. (But I can't help myself... that's just who I am.) Look forward to more disoriented rambles about yours truly in the future.


~Katherine